Waiting for stuff that is never going to happen.
When I think to myself “One day…” I’m not really thinking “One day I will be happy” I’m actually thinking “One day it will stop hurting, One day I’ll stop hoping, One day I’ll just thinking ‘one day…’”
How sad is my life.
Well, everything is crap lately, but today it was just… bleugh.
I had a quite bad day at work… I really think none likes me there anymore. At some point, they were all so happy with me… they’d talk about how good I was at doing what I do, about my good attitude, about everything I did. And they WERE happy… but today I felt the other way round. I feel like they don’t like me, like they know they can spare me any moment and nothing’d happen. I felt like they actually want to get rid of me. They avoid me, they give work they used to give me to the new guy, they act like I don’t exist. Totally… and that terrifies me. Why? Because this job has been the only thing I’ve liked of what I’ve done in my life so far. Because it was a challange, because I liked the way I was doing it. Because I felt fine. Useful. and now I feel like it’s another failure added to the list… and it sucks.
Add the fact that as I said before, it was the VERY ONLY thing good in my life right now. And now it’s gone. And now I feel like it all is shitty again. It’d been the only achievement in my life. Like my first proper job.
If they get rid of me I swear I don’t know what I’ll do. I feel like I’m losing the only thing that kept me good.
I don’t know what to do. Everything´s so wrong. Like SO wrong. I loved my job because It kept me quite busy which meant I didn’t quite have time to think about how much everything else in my life sucks. That I am themost lonely person on earth. That my family sucks. That none wants me in their lives. That I keep wanting to lose weight but I don’t try it hard enough. That I fell for someone’s lies, someone who only used me, like everyone else in my life has done before.
I’m lost. REALLY really lost.